I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
