Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
