So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
