she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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