He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
