You're so nebulous sometimes
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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