Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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