I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
