drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
