so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
