Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
