You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
