when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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