I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
