You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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