I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
