Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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