I wanna bring you to show and tell
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
