I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
