need another drink. this is the easiest way
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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