I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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