I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
