a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I take back everything I said about communal showers
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
