Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize