y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
