she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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