a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
