Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
