We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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