He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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