just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
