I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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