You're my little dorito
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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