I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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