Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
