If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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