Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
