All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I puked a lego.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
