Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
