dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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