I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
