I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
