evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
