I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
