3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
