dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
