i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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