Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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