It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
