you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
