The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
