I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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