I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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