I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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