He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
