help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
