Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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