Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
