Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
