Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize