i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
